Writing Poems When Pissed

I like to write poems when I’m pissed. Not drunk—far from it. More like irked or annoyed. I’m a glass half full kind of gal, but there are days, and we all have them, when the stars don’t align. Someone cuts you off in traffic, the internet goes down in the middle of your Zoom presentation, or your partner does the laundry and shrinks your favourite cashmere sweater.

Writing poems when pissed captures moments of heat and spills them on the page in a rush of emotions. Far less harmful and more productive than retaliation. The end result is a record, a document to return to and reflect upon, once the heat dissipates. Consider it a form of therapy. Cathartic and fruitful at the same time.

A couple of years ago, I worked in a job that was the antithesis of my creative nature. I was an artist turned executive assistant who toiled away in a glass tower for three high-powered executives. The pay was much higher than my previous job in the arts, so I convinced myself it was worth it. But the more spreadsheets I made or Word docs I formatted, the more I felt like I was losing my creative abilities, along with my soul.

When I expressed my concerns to a fellow writer, she suggested I join her online poetry salon. The structure was simple; you met via Zoom one night a week, and after a prompt, you wrote for 45 minutes and shared your work with the group. I was nervous and intimidated. A few of the participants were published poets. I was not. My friend encouraged me, “It’s a safe space, Jennifer, no topic is off limits, and there’s no judgement.”

The day of the salon arrived, and I was about to leave the office when one of the executives dumped a pile of crumpled restaurant receipts on my desk.

“Found a few more of these for my expense report,” he said, “I want it on my desk tomorrow morning,” and left for his golf game. There was no way I was going to miss the salon. Fuming silently, I doubled down on my focus and entered numbers into little boxes. A sum which was three times my annual income.

Racing home, a battle played out in my mind.

Negative me: What the heck are you doing with your life? What about your art, your writing? You are nothing to the executives. All you deal with is data; you’re just a drone.

Positive me: You’re saving money for the first time in your life. You’re finally independent and self-sufficient. You’re not nothing. You’re an artist and a writer, so you ARE something.

The salon commenced and I channelled my frustration about my day job onto the page. Words flowed from my pen as I exiled negative thoughts and transformed them into prose. When it was my turn to read to the group, I hesitated. Was my poem too “on the nose”? Should it be more obscure? What if no one gets it? But instead of awkward silence, I heard lots of giggles, gasps, and an emphatic “hell ya!!” My friend smiled at me through the screen.

Writing poems when pissed refills my glass when it gets a little empty. Instead of complaining or ruminating, I get out my journal or my iPhone and jot down how I’m feeling in the moment. The poems I’ve collected when I’ve been in a fiery mood are some of my favorites. They’re like time capsules of emotional states that no longer have a hold on me because I’ve decided to let them go—just like that day job. Writing poems when pissed, frees me from my mental prison and the words become beats and beats become poems.

Nothing is Full of Something 

Nothing is full of something.
I hold tight to this idea
and try not to let it go,
even when my mind
says no.

Stumbling home today
fatigued by numbers
and left-brained men,
I felt like nothing
nothing to them.

Nothing is like no-thing
like nowhere is now-here.
It’s simply how the glass looks,
is it full or empty here?

None of us is nothing,
I contemplate this thought.
Even when formatting
Word docs all day
has me a bit distraught.

Damn my monotonous day job
it’s rife with melody,
a reminder to remind myself
of life’s divine comedy.

I’m an artist in a cube
working eight hours in Excel.
Which for some power with numbers
and for me a numerical hell.

Turn the battlefield into a playground
turn the silence into song,
just because it doesn’t feel right
doesn’t make it wrong.

Keep it light, keep it playful,
don’t let them see me sweat,
nothing is full of something
lest I forget.

Writing Wisdom from Watching Films

I had no experience writing a cohesive book when I decided to write a memoir. Sure, I journaled daily and read memoirs and autobiographies that inspired me (Priest Daddy, Furiously Happy, When the Caged Bird Sings, Hunger, Revolution from Within). Still, I had no idea what the daily life of a writer looked like. Part of my research included watching movies.

Most of the films I watched had fine screenwriting, creative content, immersive scenery, and decent acting. I’ve listed a few favorites at the end of this post. But one of them, in particular, a cautionary tale about the life of writer Lee Israel, affected me profoundly.

Can You Ever Forgive Me is a 2018 movie based on writer Lee Israel’s 2008 memoir of the same title. Memoirs, unlike autobiographies, generally cover a specific period in a person’s life, and this movie focuses on Israel’s fall from fame to forgery in the early 2000s. The film mirrors the memoir to perfection.

I stumbled upon the book (after I saw the movie) in one of those quaint, free libraries scattered in residential neighborhoods. A slim soft cover of 129 pages, I read it over an afternoon and admired the memoir for its brevity, erudite writing, and beguiling mix of humor and tragedy.

Israel was a writer who “plummeted from best-seller stardom to welfare” (Israel, 19), played exquisitely in the film by actor Melissa McCarthy. At the height of her career, she was on the New York Times Bestseller List, a regular invitee to publishing parties, and living on book advances which she burned on long lunches and libations. “I was imprudent with money and Dionysian to the quick. Having worked so long and hard on the last book, I took many months off to play.” (15)

When the advances dwindled, her publisher refused calls, and her cat needed a vet, Israel resorted to desperate measures to make ends meet. She used her research acumen and literary expertise to forge “TLS” (typed letters signed) from celebrities like Dorothy Parker, Noel Coward, and Louise Brooks and fenced them to antiquarian book dealers in New York.

When I worked as a gallerist, I saw several successful artists ride high on the hog while their art was hot and then crumble into oblivion when no one wanted their paintings, sculptures, or photos anymore. They blamed their galleries, the collectors, and even the weather: anyone or anything but themselves. Some, like Israel, were irascible introverts and self-destructive. They weren’t interested in a ‘degrading desk job,’ they said while I sat behind my desk.

For many years Israel had “never known anything but ‘up’” (12) in her career or received a single rejection letter. Planning for her future was not something she considered. Watching the film and reading the book taught me several lessons about a writer’s life.

Perseverance and Discipline

Be accountable and focused on your career. Even though Israel was able to live off the advances from her books for a while, eventually, the well ran dry, and she was broke and couldn’t pay rent. When her industry-expensive style of heavily researched non-fiction biographies fell out of favor, Israel thought her writer’s pedigree would make getting a day job easy. She was entirely unprepared for the reality that she’d erred in her thinking and ended up on welfare before turning to crime.

Clarify your career goals

Many creatives (writers, artists, musicians) resist goal setting, but I have witnessed and experienced the benefits of planning your career. There are numerous resources (books, podcasts, blogs) on this process.

Know your core values and stand by them

“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” (Jon Stewart) Though Israel never duplicated verbatim the letters she faked, she still committed punishable crimes through theft and forgery. In the end, she was barred from the academic research libraries she loved and placed under house arrest. As a writer, would you rather be famous or infamous?

Be prepared for change

Each era has its defining characteristics, aka Zeitgeist. Sometimes your writing will land on what people are interested in right now, but tomorrow this could change. What’s your plan when your style/subject matter has run its course and collectors or followers are ready for something new?

Find Your Tribe

Who’s on your support team? Write Or Die Tribe is an excellent resource, and so are salons, writing groups, coaches, and mentors. Find people you trust who will read your writing, provide honest feedback and still be your friend!

Be Impeccable with your word

A lesson borrowed from The Four Agreements. Be mindful of shunning fellow writers who get published before you. Don’t compare and despair. Celebrate each other’s success.

Interested in more films about writers? Here’s a list to get started.
Sylvia, Adaptation, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle, The Hours, Midnight in Paris, An Angel at my Table, Stranger than Fiction, Iris, Out of Africa, Henry and June, Impromptu, Shakespeare in Love, Let Them All Talk.

The Benefits of Working With a Writing Coach

 “You know what I think?” said my writing coach after listening to me ramble on about my frustrations with my book, “You’re like a washing machine going around and around with the door open.”

Yikes. Some might get offended by this statement, heck, maybe even give up writing, but my writing coach was right. She called me out on my tendency to get stuck on a spin cycle of overthinking my writing versus actually writing.

“Just write Jennifer. Get the words on the page. You can go back later and review. Your book won’t write itself.” She spoke from experience, having published several books. My coach also recognized I was stuck and worked with me to overcome my fears and inertia so I could keep on writing.

My writer’s journey began with pure inspiration and altruism. I wanted to share my story about recovery from bulimia, an addiction I was a prisoner of for twenty-five years. The very thought of helping someone quit their eating disorder, and experience the new freedom I felt, was all the motivation I needed. Over the next few months, while working two jobs, I wrote the outline of my book and several essays. I also read memoirs, autobiographies, and self-help books. So I had a decent sense of what a good story needed, but I had no idea how to structure an entire book or, better yet, finish it.

The power of mentorship wasn’t new to me, but I didn’t think I was far enough along in my writer’s journey to warrant a mentor. What did I have to show? A rough outline and a few essays? I procrastinated, and a year later, still stumbling around in rewrites, half-writes, and a boatload of self-doubt, I googled “writing coaches near me.”

The benefits of working with a writing coach or a mentor are many. They can help you get unstuck and recognize and overcome your fears and insecurities. They can work with you to find your writer’s voice, show you where you need to dig deeper emotionally and finesse language, scenes, and characters.

But before you hire one, you need to be prepared. What are your intentions?

Not every style of mentorship is well suited to every set of needs. You need to identify what works for you and the areas you need the most help with. Is it motivation, structure, accountability, or all of the above? Dig deeper. What type of motivation works for you? What kind of structure are you after? Think about what kind of writer you are or want to become. How accountable are you? What do you need from your coach to accomplish your writing goals? Do you need a cheerleader or a good kick in the butt? What’s your endgame? Do you want to finish a book project or get one started? How long do you want the relationship to last, and what is your budget? Knowing the answers to these questions before hiring a coach will help you get the most out of the relationship.

There are also many different types of coaches, and your needs from your coach might evolve. Mine sure did. My initial goal was to become a better writer, so I chose a coach with an academic background and who had published several books. I also wanted to work with someone who had an empathetic connection to my work—someone who deeply understood my motivation to write. It was important that she’d read some of the books that inspired me.

My coach used a non-critical approach and was less structure-based, preferring an intuitive method of writing. She pushed me to go deeper and messier. Making sure I didn’t leave important scenes out of my book simply because they were too difficult to write. As my writing progressed, I shared a few essays with select friends. They cautioned me against continuing. This is way too dark. What if your parents read your book or your employers? Won’t you be ashamed? I don’t get why you need to write about bulimia. Questions and comments my writing coach dismissed.

“You've done extraordinary work. Thanks for digging into yourself and blending heartbreak and humor”

She had my back and my trust in her grew.

When my coach needed to take time for herself, and finish her own writing project, our relationship came to an end. Although I was sad at first, I had the opportunity to work with someone new. I chose a different style of coaching this time, and the success of our relationship is because of my clear intentions. It was time to finish my book, and I knew what it lacked. My new coach helped me define my book’s structure. She’s also one heck of a cheerleader, which is what I need right now. Her energy and enthusiasm will see me to the finish line.

Writing is primarily a solo journey, but we don’t have to go it alone. Because when we get lost and trust me, we do, it’s a relief to know we can talk to someone who’s been there before. A good mentor won’t hand you a map with the book’s key points all nicely laid out because this is your journey, not theirs, but they’ll support you while you overcome your obstacles. You learn along the way, and this will make you become a better writer.

When I look at the original outline of my book now, I laugh out loud. It’s rudimentary and rough—but it was a start. Every story begins somewhere, and a good mentor or coach is a valuable ally in the writer’s journey.